I have a problem.
If you spend enough time with someone, no matter how much you think that you like them, the inevitable is bound to happen. That inevitable is fighting. Family or friends, or someone you don't even know. Is it human nature that our species is bound to fight with each other? I'm not sure. But it is something that happens.
L and I are coming close to 5 years together! And while most of the time things are great, sometimes we fight. A big part of personal growth is admitting that you actually have a problem. As much as we all like to think we are doing the right thing, many times we are not. It is also interesting to witness how we can fall into the same patterns over and over and not even realize that we are at the time, and not realize why. Our past relationships/experiences and childhood influence a lot of this, most often subconsciously. When you are living with someone spending that much time together, its easy to get very comfortable, and that means you often see the good things, but you often see the bad things as well, and eventually the inevitable happens, you fight.
So why did we fight? Basically what started as a small misunderstanding/miscommunication escalated into a full blown bashing session. It was pretty bad, I think our neighbors know more about us now than I would have liked! And what I have come to figure out about myself is that I default into the "he doesn't care about me" mode when I get very angry. Which makes L pretty upset, as you can imagine.
I am really terrible at voicing my opinions most of the time. It's something I am slowly working at getting better. And when those silenced opinions and feeling get submerged for too long, it equates to me blowing up. So me being uncommunicative + pent up frustrations + partner that is not doing what I think he should be = fight of the year!
Thankfully both of us are committed to each other, and that means that no matter how hard it hurts, we try to face the reality of what is really going on together. As much as I try to avoid the conflict and confrontation, L helps bring me back and face things I tend to avoid. It hurts even more when you must realize that the problem started because of you yourself. And again the only way to grow is if you realize that you have an issue. So much about compromise and relationships is about swallowing your pride, which is easier said than done for some of us... *cough cough*.
I am taking away a few things from this fight, 1. that I need to be more communicative with my opinions in the moment, without any regrets. 2. Another person cannot adjust to something that they don't know about. People are not mind-readers, and because you think one thing is right, doesn't mean the other person thinks it is also right. Two individual people, raised in different cultures, countries, and with different experiences and expectations, must be able to come to some middle ground if they want to make it work. And middle ground cannot be reached without communication and compromise. 3. If you are truly honest with yourself, and the feedback from your partner, you can grow into a better person.
I once read somewhere that healthy relationships as an adult help us to heal and overcome issues from our past. If this is true, then think of the possibilities here? A world in which we can all help each other grow and heal? Instead of staying stuck in our infinite loop of flawed behavior, reflecting and being open with our partners can help us break the cycle of dysfunction and step forward and experience relationships that are truly special.
L and I are coming close to 5 years together! And while most of the time things are great, sometimes we fight. A big part of personal growth is admitting that you actually have a problem. As much as we all like to think we are doing the right thing, many times we are not. It is also interesting to witness how we can fall into the same patterns over and over and not even realize that we are at the time, and not realize why. Our past relationships/experiences and childhood influence a lot of this, most often subconsciously. When you are living with someone spending that much time together, its easy to get very comfortable, and that means you often see the good things, but you often see the bad things as well, and eventually the inevitable happens, you fight.
So why did we fight? Basically what started as a small misunderstanding/miscommunication escalated into a full blown bashing session. It was pretty bad, I think our neighbors know more about us now than I would have liked! And what I have come to figure out about myself is that I default into the "he doesn't care about me" mode when I get very angry. Which makes L pretty upset, as you can imagine.
I am really terrible at voicing my opinions most of the time. It's something I am slowly working at getting better. And when those silenced opinions and feeling get submerged for too long, it equates to me blowing up. So me being uncommunicative + pent up frustrations + partner that is not doing what I think he should be = fight of the year!
Thankfully both of us are committed to each other, and that means that no matter how hard it hurts, we try to face the reality of what is really going on together. As much as I try to avoid the conflict and confrontation, L helps bring me back and face things I tend to avoid. It hurts even more when you must realize that the problem started because of you yourself. And again the only way to grow is if you realize that you have an issue. So much about compromise and relationships is about swallowing your pride, which is easier said than done for some of us... *cough cough*.
I am taking away a few things from this fight, 1. that I need to be more communicative with my opinions in the moment, without any regrets. 2. Another person cannot adjust to something that they don't know about. People are not mind-readers, and because you think one thing is right, doesn't mean the other person thinks it is also right. Two individual people, raised in different cultures, countries, and with different experiences and expectations, must be able to come to some middle ground if they want to make it work. And middle ground cannot be reached without communication and compromise. 3. If you are truly honest with yourself, and the feedback from your partner, you can grow into a better person.
I once read somewhere that healthy relationships as an adult help us to heal and overcome issues from our past. If this is true, then think of the possibilities here? A world in which we can all help each other grow and heal? Instead of staying stuck in our infinite loop of flawed behavior, reflecting and being open with our partners can help us break the cycle of dysfunction and step forward and experience relationships that are truly special.
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