On Fear

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.” Charles Stanley

Last post I was talking about finding my true self. I think that most of us struggle with this for one simple reason. We are afraid of what we may find. I know that I am. What if I turn out to be someone completely different than what I thought? What if I am different than the person my family knows? What if I don't even recognize that person there under all the layers that have finally been peeled off? Well... what if? And what if I turn out to surprise myself and be someone that is actually pretty amazing? I'll never know either way unless I actually start.

Many people throughout my life told me that I was too afraid, I remember a few distinct painful conversations. Too afraid of what other people thought, too afraid to be myself. And they were right. I was paranoid about fitting in and not disrupting the norm. And still am to some extent.  That moment when you feel your heart beating faster, your pulse rate increasing, sweat beads starting to form, and your stomach going in circles.... it is oh so familiar to me.

Problem is I don't know why I am afraid. My sister was here a couple weeks ago, and she said, "it's amazing how people and things change, " I asked her what she meant, and she said that she was watching home videos from our childhood and in them I was always the most talkative, loudest, and the one trying to get in front of the camera. "And now you are so quiet" she said. When did I stop being that confident fearless little person and turn into this reserved fearful big person?

Good thing is that now that I realize these things that I don't necessarily like in myself, I can do something to change them. I try not to let my fear of whatever stop me from doing things. Sometimes that means encouragements from friends, sometimes that means me overcoming my inner voices and getting on with things.

I don't want to look back at my life and think that I was too afraid to be who I really am, say what I think, and stand up for my convictions.