Learning to be true to myself
I have played sports for as long as I remember, and was always one of the best at it. Sports and being active were one of the things I truly felt I was good at. I didn't have to try very hard, it's one of those things that came so naturally to me for whatever reason.
Definitely for the last 5 years, but in reality more like the last 13 or so, sports started becoming more of a burden than a joy. They started to become more competitive, and I wasn't playing for fun, or because I actually wanted to, but more for the fact that I was good at it, and it had become an expectation of something I was supposed to do.
After my sports career ended after college, I went though a stage of aimlessness and depression, I tried to workout and keep myself in good condition, but it wasn't the same thing. Mid way through my graduate school, I happened upon a volleyball league, and was asked to join, so I did. Those times in school were some of the happiest in my life.
I used to think I was so happy then, because I was trying new things, I was not just playing volleyball, but I was doing all sorts of new activities to try and transform myself. So in my head, I was happy because I was doing all these new things.
Fast forward to after graduation from graduate school and moving abroad. Basically the last 5 years. I wasn't part of any sports team, I am not overweight or unhealthy, but I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I should, in terms of exercise. And I have felt that something is off. It's hard to explain, even to L, I felt like something was missing, like I needed to search for something to be happier. Why was I so depressed when I have achieved all the goals I set out to do? Working in a foreign country, now in my second foreign country, speaking a second language, in a happy relationship and doing well at my job. It didn't make sense, I had no reason to be sad.
For the sake of getting myself in better shape this year, one of my goals was to rejoin a team, specifically a volleyball team. After a bit of searching and trying out different clubs, I'm happy to report that I have found the perfect one. And I didn't realize how much I missed it all these years.
When I am on the court or field, I am all the things that I would like to be in my "real life", but aren't yet. I am fearless, totally confident in my skills, I am a leader, without even trying to be, somehow people react to me much differently when I am playing, I succeed easily. I don't mean to sound arrogant, and I am not some world class athlete, the point I am trying to make is that playing sports and being active is a part of me, its easy for me, and comes naturally. I can pick up where I left off, without practicing for 5 years, and be just as good as I was before.
When you do something so much it's easy to get burnt out, to get to the point where it's not fun anymore. But I have been denying something that is a part of me, I have been hindering my true self from expressing itself, by not being true to who I am. And I believe that that is the reason I was feeling "off" for the last few years. And the reason I was so happy during graduate school, was not because of all the activities, but because I was also playing with a team, and being true to this part of me.
Why live your life hiding from who you are? Thinking yourself out of doing what you want, because you are worried about what others might say? Afraid of being too good. If people truly care about you and love/like you for who you really are then they will stay no matter what, and all the others don't really matter. Life is too short to keep hiding who we really are.
2009 - at the end of my hammer throwing career
Definitely for the last 5 years, but in reality more like the last 13 or so, sports started becoming more of a burden than a joy. They started to become more competitive, and I wasn't playing for fun, or because I actually wanted to, but more for the fact that I was good at it, and it had become an expectation of something I was supposed to do.
After my sports career ended after college, I went though a stage of aimlessness and depression, I tried to workout and keep myself in good condition, but it wasn't the same thing. Mid way through my graduate school, I happened upon a volleyball league, and was asked to join, so I did. Those times in school were some of the happiest in my life.
I used to think I was so happy then, because I was trying new things, I was not just playing volleyball, but I was doing all sorts of new activities to try and transform myself. So in my head, I was happy because I was doing all these new things.
Fast forward to after graduation from graduate school and moving abroad. Basically the last 5 years. I wasn't part of any sports team, I am not overweight or unhealthy, but I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I should, in terms of exercise. And I have felt that something is off. It's hard to explain, even to L, I felt like something was missing, like I needed to search for something to be happier. Why was I so depressed when I have achieved all the goals I set out to do? Working in a foreign country, now in my second foreign country, speaking a second language, in a happy relationship and doing well at my job. It didn't make sense, I had no reason to be sad.
For the sake of getting myself in better shape this year, one of my goals was to rejoin a team, specifically a volleyball team. After a bit of searching and trying out different clubs, I'm happy to report that I have found the perfect one. And I didn't realize how much I missed it all these years.
When I am on the court or field, I am all the things that I would like to be in my "real life", but aren't yet. I am fearless, totally confident in my skills, I am a leader, without even trying to be, somehow people react to me much differently when I am playing, I succeed easily. I don't mean to sound arrogant, and I am not some world class athlete, the point I am trying to make is that playing sports and being active is a part of me, its easy for me, and comes naturally. I can pick up where I left off, without practicing for 5 years, and be just as good as I was before.
When you do something so much it's easy to get burnt out, to get to the point where it's not fun anymore. But I have been denying something that is a part of me, I have been hindering my true self from expressing itself, by not being true to who I am. And I believe that that is the reason I was feeling "off" for the last few years. And the reason I was so happy during graduate school, was not because of all the activities, but because I was also playing with a team, and being true to this part of me.
Why live your life hiding from who you are? Thinking yourself out of doing what you want, because you are worried about what others might say? Afraid of being too good. If people truly care about you and love/like you for who you really are then they will stay no matter what, and all the others don't really matter. Life is too short to keep hiding who we really are.
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